Everything and Nothing
by wild-angel82
Summary: "It meant nothing. She means nothing." Alex can't believe she heard those words, Paige can't believe she said them. Can they still talk things out and save what they share?


A/N: OK, so I've been sitting on a couple of Palex stories for like a year or so, ever since I watched their entire storyline on Degrassi in about 5 days, hehe :D I'm not really sure why I never posted those stories and I don't even know if anybody is going to read them after all this time, but for some reason I felt like I needed to publish them, even if just to get it out of my system. So if anybody is reading, I hope you enjoy!

ALEX

I am officially out of my freakin' mind! What the hell was I thinking? Paige Michalchuk? Really? The queen of Degrassi, the notorious bitch to everyone around her except her closest friends, if they can even be called that. A freakin' cheerleader for God's sake! Everyday perfect hair, perfect make-up and a condescending look or comment to anyone who dares have a different opinion than her. When exactly did my stupid mind decide that I even wanted to hang out with people like that, let alone be friends with them? Some things are just plain crazy I guess…

My life has never been particularly peachy, in any respect, but I have learned to live with what I've been offered. I've learned to tolerate my mom's boyfriends and as long as they weren't particularly violent or didn't make passes at me, I was OK. I never made any effort to get to know any of them, and it's not like any of them ever made any particular effort to get to know me. And I was fine with that. I didn't need a father. I've gone without one all my life and the days of me wishing to have a daddy to tuck me in at night were long gone. I barely even had a mother anyway, too, so I've learned to get by on my own, without letting anyone get too close. Sure, Jay and I kind of cared about each other in our own messed up kind of way, but I think that he just needed a warm body every now and then. And I needed to feel useful and needed, so I let him use me from time to time, but no real feelings were ever involved. When I found out that he was cheating on me, I was more angry than anything else. And maybe even relieved, as crazy as that may sound. I thought it would hurt me, but it didn't really. It only made me realize that people are what they are and there was no reason to get too worked up about it. I was fine with keeping people at bay, never getting too involved, never caring enough to get hurt if things get too fucked up.

Yes, I was fine with that, until Paige freakin' Michalchuk waltzed into my life. With her stupid blond hair and her stupid lattes and her 'my life is gonna be over if I don't get into college' attitude. And don't even get me started on that stupid smile of hers, the one that makes you hold your breath because you've never seen anything that breathtaking in your life before. And she knows that and knows exactly how to work that smile to her advantage. She has this ability to convince people to do whatever she wants them to do, while at the same time making them believe that it's what they want too. She goes through life taking and taking and never giving anything in return and I'm not exactly sure what the hell made me think that she is anything but a spiteful cheerleader with no actual feelings for anyone but herself.

_It meant nothing. She means nothing_. Those words keep burning a huge hole in my head and in my heart, but honestly I'm not sure why they even surprise me. I knew who Paige was, I knew her ways and this is exactly how Paige Michalchuk feels about people like me. About people who are not perfect like her or who do not share her outlook on things or do not agree that she should be the center of the freakin' universe. Anybody who isn't a pawn in Paige Michalchuk's little world is worth nothing to her. I feel like such an idiot for believing that there actually was any genuine affection between the two of us. Paige Michalchuk, the queen of Degrassi and Alex Nu___ñez, the kid from the wrong side of the tracks. The combination is so ridiculous that it makes me wanna laugh at myself for being so stupid. For letting her get too close to me, only to have my heart ripped out and smashed against the wall. But as much as I wanna hate her and send her to hell, I can't help thinking about all the times we made fun of the customers at work or all the times she would come to work rambling about something and I would pretend not to care and not to listen, yet five minutes later I would remember everything that she said. Or all the times when we would be particularly exhausted and we would go grab a drink using my fake ID and she would pretend to be appalled by such behavior, but deep down she would be grateful that there was someone who managed to bring out that side of her. And if she is such a bitch, why would she take me out for a fancy dinner after she found out about a fight I had with my mother? How can the cold bitch that just said I mean nothing to her be the same girl that held my hand and stroked my hair telling me that it doesn't matter who my mom is and what my background is, because I can be whoever I wanna be. _

___I hate her! I hate her for making me believe that I could make something of myself, be someone she could be proud of. For making me believe that all the glances, all the touches, all the conversations that we shared actually meant something. For making me believe that there is someone who could maybe care about me and not screw me over like the rest of them. I hate her for kissing me, twice, giving me hope, just to crash it the next chance she gets. But most of all, I hate her for making me fall in love with her. For making me let my guard down, for breaking through my walls just to pick up a couple of bricks and hit me on the head with them. Why did I have to do what I promised myself I would never do? Why did I have to let go of my heart and give it someone who clearly doesn't want it?_

___PAIGE_

___I am officially the biggest bitch that Degrassi has ever seen. No, scratch that, I am the biggest loser that has ever lived. I never thought that you could hate yourself so much, but right now I want someone to hit me, or kick me or do anything else to hurt me. To cause me pain, as much pain as I caused her. Because no matter how much she is going to try and deny it and pretend that she doesn't give a damn, I know that she does and I know that I have hurt her. Maybe more than I have ever hurt anyone else in my entire life. _

_It meant nothing. She means nothing____. The look on her face after she heard me say those words was the most heartbreaking thing I have ever seen. The way her eyes got darker and the excitement over our little rendez-vous earlier that day left her. I cannot get that look on her face out of my mind. And to know that I was the reason for all that pain, that I was the reason she had to hold back her tears when she was talking to me in the hallway, is killing me. It's driving me absolutely insane. And it makes me question the person that I have become, because this is not who I want to be. _

___I cannot understand how I could say that she means nothing to me. The mere fact that I was physically able to utter the actual words makes me sick to my stomach. It's not like I am the nicest person in the world, far from it, but this has got to be the new low for me. To tell someone they mean nothing to me, when they are the only person in the world that seems to understand me. How could I say she means nothing to me? The girl who listens to me blabbing about meaningless stuff at work, stuff that she doesn't give a shit about, and never says a single word? She simply lets me go on and on until I have vented enough. And then she'll make some comment that makes me realize how pointless it is to work myself up over stuff that really doesn't matter. The girl who got me the stupid job anyway, even though I'm sure she hated me at the time. The girl who takes me out for drinks every time she senses that I'm a little bit down, sometimes when even I myself don't know that I need some cheering up. The girl who stands up to jerks like Jay defending my honor. The girl who can just look me in the eye and tell what I'm thinking or what I'm feeling. The girl who can make me laugh my ass off without even trying, by making snotty comments about people or making fun of me. _

___I'm always on her case about not caring about the future and not making plans, but the truth is that sometimes I wish that her carefree attitude would rub off on me a little bit. She is the only person who can make believe that my life is not going to be over even if I don't go to college. She's the only one that can make me see that there are other options and that I can be whoever I wanna be and do whatever I wanna do. And when I'm with her, I feel like I can do anything – go to college, get my dream job, travel the world. She makes me believe that our future is whatever we make of it as we go, and not something we worked out when we were ten because of what our parents told me. And even though I will probably go to college, it always makes me feel so amazing to have someone who I knew would support me no matter what and would always be on my side. _

___And I told her she means nothing. Nice. Really nice, Paige. And why exactly? Because I don't think I even know anymore… Was it because I was so terrified of what my so called friends would think of me? Who cares about them anyway if they wouldn't be able to accept me for who I am or accept who I care about. I don't need people like that in my life. I need people like her. People who don't give a damn about what the world thinks, because they know that what you feel in your heart is way more important. People who seem so tough on the outside, but care so deeply for others and only let others see their vulnerable side from time to time. And I know that Alex has shown me the most vulnerable side to her that there is, she has opened up to me and I just trashed everything. A few hurtful words and everything that we have ever shared was gone. I feel like I have destroyed the only true friendship that I have ever had in my life. And let's be honest, it's so much more than just friendship. That kiss after the premiere was long time coming, but of course I had to go and destroy everything because I'm so damn scared of what people will think of me. And just why couldn't I care what Alex will think of me? She's the only one that matters anyway, and I don't know why it has taken me this long to realize that. _

___I stand in the hallway outside of her apartment and desperately try to think of something to say, something that would be meaningful enough for her to forgive me. But how do you ask for someone's forgiveness when you've hurt them this much? This is a problem I've never had to face before. I've hurt people, I know I have, but never like this, never breaking their heart and my own in the process. This is certainly new and I just don't know how to handle it._

___I pace back and forth hoping that the words will come, but the idea of looking into her eyes and apologizing terrifies me. Suddenly I hear the door open and I see her stepping out into the hallway. It takes her a moment before she sees me. _

_"__I've been trying to work up the nerve to ring the doorbell." I tell her and I know she can see how nervous and heartbroken I am. I just don't know if she cares anymore. _

_"__We don't have one." She replies matter of factly. "Welcome to my world." She sighs and I realize how much I really do wanna be a part of her world. Not that I'm particularly fond of crappy apartments and mothers' drunken boyfriends, but because it's her world and I wanna be a part of everything that has anything to do with her. _

_"__Any room in it for a stupid girl?" I ask, and I can tell that she knows it's my way of apologizing to her. But calling myself stupid is certainly not going to be enough apology after what I said before. I know that, but I need some time until I get to the real apology out._

_"__I already have one of those." She informs me, trying to let me know that she doesn't need me in her world. But I know it's not true. I know she needs me just as much as I need her, even if she is currently hurt and mad at me and won't want to admit it. _

_"__Well how about room for someone who's ready to stop worrying so much about what other people think?" I try again, letting her know that she is more important to me than any of the idiots at school. I know they're my friends and all, but I need Alex to know that I will not let anyone talk trash about her anymore. _

_"__There might be room for her." She finally breaks a little and I can tell that she might be ready to at least talk about what happened between the two of us. _

___I sigh and finally decide to cut to the chase, to simply apologize for the jerk I have been. "Alex, I'm sorry about before. What I said." And I really am. I don't think I have ever meant any apology in my life like I mean this one. If only that was enough, if only words were enough. But I know they're not._

_"__Whatever, Paige, it's cool." She says trying really hard not to show how much my words have hurt her, but I can see right through her. I can see it in her eyes and my heart breaks a little more every time she decides to look me in the eye. Every time I look at her and see that she's trying to hold back tears. But she's not telling me to go to hell or go die, which is a good sign. Maybe there is hope for us after all._

_"__No, it's not." I say quickly, because we both know that what I said was far from cool. It was cruel and hurtful and something I never thought I could do to anyone. "I said you were nothing to me, which…" I pause for a moment and take a deep breath. "Which is a total lie, because right now you're pretty much everything." I tell her and I realize that my hands are tightly clutching hers in a desperate attempt to let her know that she indeed is everything to me. I look at her intently and I am relieved to see a little smile forming on her lips. I am so unbelievably grateful to her for giving me another chance, because even though she's not saying anything, she holds my hands tight and looks at me with those beautiful eyes of hers and I know she is ready to give me another chance. And this time I know I won't fuck it up. _

___ALEX_

___I swore to myself that the next time I was going to see Paige Michalchuk, I was going to tell her to go hell and leave me the fuck alone. I decided that I don't need her pity, or anything else from her for that matter. And even when I saw her outside my apartment, I wanted to scream at her to go away. But when I looked into her eyes, I knew that I couldn't do it. Because her eyes were telling me everything that I once believed was true – that she really cares about me, that what we share is something amazing and real and something some people never get to experience in their life. And as I stand here, my hands joined with hers, and listen to her tell me that I'm everything to her, I believe her. And maybe it's stupid, maybe it will come back to bite me in the ass later, but I just can't bring myself to pretend that I don't care. Not when she's here so broken, so obviously needing me just as much as I need her. And maybe telling her to go away would save me from a heartache in the future, I don't know. But you never know with life. All I know is that she's here begging me to forgive her, looking at me with those blue eyes of hers, and I just can't deny her. As much as I wanna play the 'I'm Alex and I don't give a damn' card, I just can't with her. Because she can tell. She could always tell just how much I care about her and as I look at her trembling, her eyes welling up with tears, I just know that she cares about me too. Otherwise she wouldn't be here. She would be somewhere chilling with her friends and making jokes about how she kissed the trash that is Alex _Nu___ñez. But she's not. She's here with me, stroking my cheek and running her hand through my hair._

___I can feel her shivering and I wanna invite her inside or something, but somehow the idea of coming back to that apartment with her doesn't seem too appealing. _

_"__Hey, I'm gonna get you a jacket or something and we can go somewhere to talk…" I hesitantly suggest. "If you want."_

_"__I'd like that." She smiles gently, still holding my hand with one of hers. She only lets go to let me go back into the apartment. I come back a moment later with one of my jackets and give it to her. "Thanks." She smiles and puts the jacket on. _

_"__I know it's not exactly your style…" I tell her with a small laugh. "But I…"_

_"__It's perfect." She cuts me off and I feel like she's not just talking about the jacket. She shoots one more little smile my way before we head out. _

___The outside doesn't turn out to be so cold, but we both know that the reason Paige was shivering so much a moment ago wasn't just because she was cold. _

_"__I'm sorry I didn't invite you in." I tell her and I wanna add something to explain, but when I see her nodding her head with understanding, I realize that I don't have to. She knows and it's one of those things I love so much about her. She can just take one look at me and know what I'm thinking or what I'm about to say. No one has ever been able to read me like that before. _

___For a moment I ponder whether to ask her where she wants to go, but I soon realize that it doesn't really matter. To either of us. We just need this moment to be together and to forget about everything and everyone. To calm down a little and remember all the things that made us fall for each other. Because even if she would try to deny it, I know that she has fallen for me. I can see it in her eyes. And God knows I have fallen for her. Hard. I don't even know how or why, but I have and there is not a damn thing I can do about it. And despite her earlier hurtful comments in the gym, there is not a damn thing I really want to do about it. _

_"__Would it help if I let you hit me?" She suddenly asks and I can't help, but chuckle. "You know, because of what I said earlier." She continues and looks at me questioningly. _

_"__It might." I grin, but obviously I would never lay a hand on her. Of course she knows that. _

_"__I was such a bitch." She sighs and I can see how guilty she still feels about it. And while a part of me is still angry at her, the other part simply can't stand to see her in pain like this._

_"__You already apologized." I simply say, because it's not like I really need to hear her say she's sorry one more time. I don't need to see her torture herself like that. _

_ "__But you need to understand, Alex." She insists on continuing. "I was so scared of what my friends are gonna think of me or what other people are gonna think or say, that I totally lost track of what is really important here." She takes a step forward and turns around to face me. "You and me, Alex. That's what's important. You and me and what we feel for each other." She stops for a moment, as if a part of her was scared that I'm about to deny feeling anything for her. But I can't. I could never lie to her. "I'm so sorry I couldn't see it before. I'm so sorry I kept living in denial. I promise I won't do that again. And I promise I will never ever let anyone think that you're anything short of amazing." She whispers as she takes my hand into hers and I can't help but shiver at the warmth that I feel from her. _

_"__I don't need you to promise me anything." I tell her and I really mean it. I've had too many empty promises in my life to put any faith in them now. _

_"__I know you don't." She agrees and I could swear that her heart is pounding. I know mine is. "So let me just say that more than anything in this world I want to find out what you and me could be together. And I just need to know if this is what you want too?" She asks and looks at me with so much hope in her eyes that it makes me weak in the knees. _

_"__Yes." I tell her and it's true. I do want that, more than anything. I want us to keep getting to know each other and see where it takes us. But I'm also scared to death that the next time someone asks her about me, she's gonna lie again. I have no doubts about how she feels about me, not after tonight, not after seeing everything that I saw in her eyes, but a part of me can't help but wonder If all of that is going to be enough. "I just…" I try to say something, but I suddenly feel her warm finger on my mouth. _

_"__I know that I have not given you many reasons to trust me in the past, but please trust me on this one." She looks at me imploringly. "I want us to have a real shot at this and I will do anything in my power to make that happen." She promises and I can see in her eyes that she means it. "Please believe me."_

_"__I do." I smile weakly and I realize that I have yet again let my guard down. And she has once again broken through all my defenses. But I also realize that for the first time in my life I'm not scared to let someone get this close to me. For the first time in my life I'm not scared to be so vulnerable. And for the first time in my life I feel that if I let myself believe what the person in front of me is saying, I won't end up heartbroken. _

_"__Good." She nods her head and looks at me with such intensity that I need to actually remind myself to breathe. She has always been able to take my breath away without even trying, but now that she's standing in front of me, promising to do whatever she can to make sure we have a future, something inside me just breaks. And I try so hard to stop the tears from falling, but I can't. Sometimes I hate that she has this effect on me, but I'm also glad that I can do that in front of her in the middle of the street and not feel stupid or ridiculous. What I do feel is her soft fingers wiping away my tears and a moment later her soft lips pressed gently onto mine. And even though her lips barely graze mine, it just might be one of the most passionate kisses I have ever had. And I can feel her pour her heart and soul into that kiss. I can feel all the promises that she just made poured into that kiss. _

___And when she smiles at me, her face mere inches from mine, I know that I can trust her. That whatever crap life decides to throw at us, she will never again tell anyone that I mean nothing to her. _


End file.
